that's a joke

GOAT JOKES



In Budapest, a man goes to the rabbi and complains, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?"
The rabbi answers, "Take your goat into the room with you." The man in incredulous, but the rabbi insists. "Do as I say and come back in a week." A week later the man comes back looking more distraught than before. "We cannot stand it," he tells the rabbi. "The goat is filthy." The rabbi then tells him, "Go home and let the goat out. And come back in a week."

A radiant man returns to the rabbi a week later, exclaiming, "Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat -- only the nine of us."

Submitted by Andy Oliver


Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big, black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. Nothing.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. They listened for some time and....nothing.
Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. One man spotted a big log nearby. They picked it up, grunting and groaning, and threw it to the hole, listening intently......nothing.
All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were astounded.

They walked on through the woods, and a little later met an old farmer who asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods, and run and leap into the big hole. He asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "Naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a big log."

Submitted by Andy Oliver


A man raised animals on a small farm in the Midwest. The farm was a peaceful place. Then, one day a pig was found murdered in the barn.

Upset, the farmer was determined to find the killer. The only witness was a rabbit. The farmer lined up all the suspects: a cow, a young goat, a horse and a rooster. He told the rabbit to pick out the killer.

The rabbit hopped up and down the line. He stopped and nodded his head at the young goat. Nervously, the goat said, "I didn't do it!"

The farmer replied, "Hare's looking at you, kid."

Submitted by Max Walker


The husband who raises meat goats has forgotten his anniversary, his irate wife who raises dairy goats (already some friction there) says "Tomorrow morning there had better be something in the driveway that goes 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." Next morning there is a small package lying in the driveway. Wife opens the package, it's a set of bathroom scales.

Submitted by Gary Burnett


Barry and Ray are headed home after a big night on the town when Barry accidentally hits a buck goat. Ray being the animal lover he is jumps out of the car and gives the goat artificial respiration and revives him. Ray says to Barry he's going to be fine but it's cold so we'll have to put him in the car to keep him warm. Barry yells "What about the terrible stinking smell in my car?" Ray says "That's OK we'll hold the buck's nose!"

Submitted by Gary Burnett


What do you call an unemployed goat? ..... Billy Idol!

What do you call a goat swimming in the sea? ....... Billy Ocean!

What do you call a goat with a beard? ....... Goatee!

What do you call the best 'butter' on the farm? .........A goat!

Submitted by Max Walker


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a billy goat standing next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Baahh. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. " Baahh. 9 Iron." He looks at the billy goat and decides to prove him wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the billy goat, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky goat, eh?" The billy goat replies,
" Baahh. Lucky goat."

The man decides to take the billy goat with him to the next hole. "What do you think goat?" the man asks.
" Baahh. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the billy goat, "OK where to next?" The billy goat replies, " Baahh. Las Vegas."

So, they go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK goat, now what?" The billy goat says, " Baahh. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The billy goat replies, " Baahh. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. Once in the hotel room the man says "Goat, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. Just name it and it is yours." The billy goat replies, " Baaah, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the goat did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the billy goat turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Submitted by Max Walker


Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old goat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his goat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the goat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his goat.

Finally he decided to trust his brother with the goat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the goat was ok. Four days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck.

On the fifth day when he called John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. "Gracie is dead!" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack.

When he recovered he said to Richard, "That was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that goat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called say something like, well she's OK but she is up on the roof. And then when I called the next time, tell me oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news."

"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless."

John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, "Oh, by the way, how's Mother?"

Richard then said, "Well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!"

Submitted by Max Walker


Little Johnny's goat was hit by a car, and unfortunately, died. Mom and dad tried their best to console their young son. "You know, Johnny, it's not your fault the goat died, it was just fate."
But Little Johnny would have none of it.
So, in a last gasp attempt, Little Johnny's dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God. He'll be happy there, so you don't have to feel bad anymore."
Little Johnny asked, "What would God want with a dead goat?"

Submitted by Max Walker


One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again.

So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a goat staked on a chain by the side of the house. Thinking to himself this is very strange, the only other living thing here is that goat. So he says to the goat, "Did you say that?" The goat answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The goat says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his goat Clarence?"

The goat laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'. "

Submitted by Max Walker


The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Submitted by Cheri Hall


A rancher named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite goat, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite goat, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite goat, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said 'How are you feeling?'

"Now what the hell would you say?"

Submitted by Gary Burnett